We take deep pride in our ability to manage on our own. But there’s a proverb that says, “Work designed for 2 cannot be done alone.” So it is with some areas in our life where we face challenges. If the problem we’re encountering is particularly unfamiliar and or unsettling, it very well may be a situation that requires the insight of two of more individuals.

Not a Sign of Weakness

There is no weakness in seeking wisdom. Another proverb – from the bible – says, “People perish for lack of knowledge, but in a multitude of counselors there is safety.” Simply put, when we stew over our problems in isolation, we are putting our well-being at risk. When we seek wise advice, we create a safe haven – a place where we gain understanding and feel understood. No one ridicules a person or calls someone weak who runs for cover in a hail storm. In much the same way, seeking help is simply seeking shelter when life gets stormy.

And we ALL go through tough periods. We usually get through them with help, so here are a few places where you can find support, by category:

Intellectual and Academic

• Study Skills Help
• Tutoring
• Support for those with Learning Differences

Spiritual and Emotional

• AOWEE Faith
• National Institute of Mental Health

Friends and Family

• Counselors – Family & Marriage
• Eldercare Locator

Health and Fitness

• National Institute of Health
• Center for Disease Control and Prevention

Community Involvement

• Volunteering – Volunteer Match
• Volunteers of America

Personal Finance

• Personal Finance Education and Resources

Also, remember these 5 Keys to Reaching Out:

1. Fix your frame of mind. Write down the outcome you expect as a result of reaching out and tell the person who is helping you. Personally, I’ve found sometimes when you feel strongly about a problem, the first chance you get to talk about it – that’s mostly what YOU do is talk. It’s important to vent, but it’s also important to walk away with a solution in hand. Make sure you get yours.
2. Take notes before and during your contact with a helper. Much for the same reason as Key 1, you want to make sure you take note of the most important issues bothering you – before you contact the helper. Also, you want to remember the details of helpful advice given to you or if you are referred to other resources for help.
3. Make the connection. The telephone can seem to weigh 1,000 pounds when you need help most. Though it seems like it will be too hard or too scary, do yourself a favor and make the call. Send the email. Send a text. Make the connection to your help source.
4. Follow up. Be sure to show up for any scheduled calls or appointments. Reply to emails and voice messages. Don’t chicken out now. You’re almost there.
5. Follow through. Most of life’s rescues require us, first and foremost, to be our own helping hand. Recognize the critical part you play and follow through with any next steps that will help you out of your problem.

Help shouldn’t be demeaning or make you feel as if you are losing control of your life. By remembering the 5 Keys to Reaching Out and gathering to courage to do so, you can make it through any storm in life with your dignity, independence and sense of self in tact.

Many more helpful web links and hotlines to a variety of agencies can be found at this US Department of Health and Human Services site and at www.aowee.com/lifesolutions.

*This blog is for informational purposes and is not intended to treat, diagnose or cure any condition.

Managing relationship can truly get confusing at times. We don’t want to seem controlling or overly sensitive, but we have needs that are going unmet. As a result, too many people let go of relationships they’d rather keep. They don’t feel they have the right to ask the other person to change a behavior that’s hurting them. Yet, they don’t feel they deserve to be treated carelessly, either.

Though, it seems easier to silently withdraw and give no clues to what you’re feeling, that may be a mistake. Here are some tips that can help you salvage a treasured relationship while keeping your dignity intact.

1. Think about it. Am I really upset about what they just did or said is something else bothering me? Direct your energy to the root cause.
2. Speak up. My cousin used to say, “A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.” Pretty true here. Individuals cannot know what you are thinking. Tell them.
3. Choose your timing. Sometimes, it’s best to address the issue right then. Sometimes, you must wait to get the person alone in private. It may be necessary for one of you to have a cooling off period. Try to judge the best time where you both are able to calmly focus on just talking to each other.
4. Choose your words. It’s not just tone, words count so much. Before the talk, try jotting down the most important needs you have. Rephrase your needs so you can express them in a non-accusatory manner. It’s been suggested that “When you … I feel … In the future, I’d like …” phrasing is helpful here. For example, “When you said, “I don’t care what you think, I felt our relationship didn’t matter to you. I want us to stay close friends (the need) but words like that make me feel disrespected (implies a different choice of words would be preferred in the future).  Simple statements like these give a window to your soul without painting yourself as a pitiful victim. Good words also encourage greater intimacy and truthfulness in the relationship, key fertilizers for emotional growth and well-being.
5. Give people time. Give time for behavior to change. Some individuals need more time than others to cool down. You may need time to ask for or accept forgiveness or vice versa. Be careful not to fool yourself into thinking you are simply “giving someone time” when subconsciously you’ve already started the emotional withdrawal process.
6. Leave an open door. Don’t make it hard for people to get in touch with you after relationship breakdown. It may be tempting to delete emails and text messages before even reading them. To change your phone number and move far, far away. Instead of focusing on ways to create space to buffer against anticipated pain. anticipate the joy you’ll feel when the relationship is reconciled.

I didn’t write this blog entry from a purely clinical perspective. But from a very personal one. It’s pretty much a page from my own life’s journal. When I finally got around to trying to mend a broken relationship from my past, I found the person was no longer walking among the living. Consider the problem, you are having in your current relationship. If it’s worth it, work on it – while you still have the opportunity to enjoy each others’ company again.

*This blog is for informational purposes and is not intended to treat, diagnose or cure any condition.

Scenario

Ken is a super sharp techie who seems to be one of the top go-to persons in the office for resolving complex customer tech problems. Ken has grown accustomed to having his lunch interrupted with questions if he is eating at his desk. Even trips to the bathroom are interrupted by coworker Ned’s pleas for him to take a detour and show him how to work one of the company’s computer programs. When in the bathroom stalls, the questions come still. Ken is becoming increasingly frustrated as his helping others erodes the time available for himself. He’s a nice guy and wants to help, but wish he could have more of his personal time back.

Ken can:

A. Lash out at the next person who asks him a question when he is not “on duty”
B. Berate individuals for behaving unprofessionally or inappropriately because they should know to wait until he is back at work
C. Offer to help later, when he returns

Of course C is the best answer. It acknowledges his peers needs while respecting his own.

Example phrases he could use include: “Ned, I’d love to help you as soon as I’m back from break/lunch.”  Or “Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you when I return.”

If you are currently feeling a little taxed at all ends due to blurry boundaries, mentally acknowledge you have unwittingly set a precedent that you are available at times you’d rather not be. To make a fresh start, simply start today.  Whenever you are approached with a help request, right then, let people know when and how you are available and stick to your schedule. It may be uncomfortable at first to stick to your guns and keep your personal time private, but as you get use to setting boundaries, others will get used to respecting them.

Helpful Do’s & Don’ts

DO forward your business and cell lines to voicemail and turn the ringers off at the end of your workday. It’s common practice for solopreneurs to use their cell phone as their office phone. It’s also not inconceivable that there maybe individuals up at 3:00 am making phone calls to office phones hoping to get business hours or other info from the voicemail greeting. To avoid a 3:00 am wake up call, please power your phone or at least the ringer off when you are no longer available to take business calls. Enable “night mode” or similar feature on your home answering machine.

DON’T answer phone calls, emails or requests when you are out of office – that’s what email autoresponders and voicemail are for. Create a detailed voicemail message for your office line. Include your office hours, email, website and location info, if appropriate.

DO decide in advance how you’ll handle business-related communication directed to you through social networks, if you are marketing your business on social networking sites such as You Tube, My Space or Facebook.  A good suggestion is to have a standard set of professional responses saved to a document or your phone’s memo pad. Then you can copy/paste standard replies without much interruption to your day. Here are some good example replies:

Thank you for contacting Blankety Blank Business. Your needs are very important us. To ensure we have access to all the resources and information we may need to resolve your concern, emails are addressed during business hours – (give hours). You will be contacted within 1-2 business days. Thanks again.

Or

Thank you for contacting Blankety Blank Business. For 24-hour access to information about our products and services visit www.blankety.com. For additional assistance email us your contact info and best time to reach you at contactus@blankety.com.

DON’T assume customers think and work like you or have access to the same tools you do. Many individuals use mobile phones that have easy access to sending and replying to messages via Facebook or You Tube applications, but may not have full HTML browsers that let them access the “contact us” forms or email links on your website. For them it may just be faster and easier to contact you via the social network. If you receive a customer communication via the wrong channel, simply forward it to your work email and let the customer know you will reply to them in once you’re back in the office.

DO resist the temptation to answer every communication in real-time if it’s your “off day.” You’ll only set in motion a communication pattern you’ll later regret. I’ve had to learn to master the art of marking off my in and out of office time without having a guilt complex. Even if I open an email on my off time, I do not feel obligated to reply until business hours.

DON’T take boundary breaches personally. Good business is all about good relationships. Nothing ruins the promise of future profits like a business owner who puts a guilt trip on customers for doing something “wrong.” Be gracious and professional. Rephrase verbal and written customer communications to remove caustic language that can be perceived as accusatory, highly judgmental or a put-down.

Caustic language examples include:

• It would have been better if you had…
• You should have …
• You could have …
• You didn’t …
• You were supposed to …
• Why didn’t you…

DO remember, nearly everyone has a full plate these days. Customers and colleagues are always looking for the quickest, simplest way of addressing their needs and resolving their problems. So be an easy-to-business-with type person by drawing fair, clear and professionally communicated boundaries.

If you are in a tight job market and cannot find work in your usual or desired profession, you might consider taking a job in an industry or position that is affiliated or even completely different.

To start, find a field or type of work that is interesting to you. For my career coaching and workshop clients, I use personality, career values and career interest assessment tools to help them get clearer than they’ve ever been about what type of work the could enjoy doing.

Next, regularly survey online and newspaper job postings to find which positions related to your area of interest routinely have openings.

Then, investigate the job duties and typical career paths of individuals in those roles. This will give you an idea of the upward or lateral mobility you can expect within the organization. A great resource for this information is the US Bureau of Labor Statistics site: http://www.bls.gov/

If you find a job you like, apply for it. Of course if you get it, friends and family may criticize you as taking a job beneath your abilities. But what they don’t see is that the new job you’ve taken may very well be the beginning of a new career interest for you. In addition to putting food on the table and “boots” on your feet, the job will likely provide you with transferrable skills, training, industry insight and connections and even paid professional development training to really launch you into your career transition.

So don’t be afraid to work in a new field that interests you, especially not for fear of what others will say or think. If you like the work and see opportunity for developing it into a new career or business pursuit, go for it!

Individuals can become fixated on the negative music in their heads and as a result some even take their own lives. Some put themselves in harm’s way so someone else can do the job for them. Both groups of people have become depressed and no longer have a hopeful outlook on their life and career. Hope starts with getting a clear perspective.

Ask yourself:

• Am I really the world’s sole sufferer? Or, are many – maybe even millions – going through their own version of this same sadness?
• If I’m not alone in this trial, where can I find people who’ve overcome?
• Once I find them, what do I need from them?

Common benefits of seeking support from overcomers may include:

1. A listening ear that won’t judge you.
2. Validation of your feelings.
3. A helping hand.
4. Ideas on getting a job and possible leads.
5. A referral to helpful hardship programs to meet financial, medical or emotional needs.
6. Suggestions on positive ways to cope with tough days. This may include a referral to the professional help of a doctor or therapist, particularly if your blue moods have lasted for  several weeks or more.

Once your support needs are met, live life more fully by giving back to others in need. Helping others less fortunate has a way of taking your mind off its problems.

Lastly remember, this too shall past. No hardship lasts forever. Even the Great Depression of the 1930′s eventually ended. And prosperity roared afterwards. Look with a hopeful heart toward the future. Be practical, proactive, persistent and positive as you look for resources to help you weather your personal economic downturn. Good luck! I’m cheering for you.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

Finding Overcomers

• Professional associations in your field – the local library has a guide
• Your college alumni association
• Your place of worship
• Social networking sites like Linked In or Facebook

Finding Job Opportunities

• Headhunters, search consultants
• Temporary agencies
• Local workforce development services or unemployment agencies
• Networking functions
• Co-workers from previous employmers
• “Employment” or “Careers” link on the websites of businesses you regularly buy products and services from
• Traditional resources: job fairs, newspaper, online job banks

Emotional Support

• Family and friends
• Church Job Ministries
• National Institute of Mental Health Website: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/getting-help-locate-services/index.shtml
• Your area crisis line – check phone book as number varies

Volunteer Opportunities

• Homeless shelters
• Public libraries
• Hospitals
• Nursing homes
• Church
• Civic groups
• Volunteer Match: http://www.volunteermatch.org/
• Volunteers of America: http://www.voa.org/

The beauty of these tips is that they not only help you build trust, they can also be used as lens to help you spot individuals who are trustworthy. This is important. Trustworthy individuals are individuals capable of helping you succeed at your job.

1.  Smile at the other person. Of course we’ve all heard the saying “everyone who smiles at you is not your friend.” Still, a genuine smile adds levity to most any situation and generates positive biological reactions in both you and the other person.  If you smile at someone and he looks back at you like you’re a blank chalkboard, he gives the impression of being emotionally walled off. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t trust you with the smallest bit of himself such as a smile. Barring the challenge of autism, mental or other illness, most adults – and even tiny infants actually – know that the socially appropriate response to a smile is a smile.

2.  Tell ‘em something good. “In the beginning there was the word and the word was God,” is a verse the bible. No matter your religious belief, consider the symbolism. Is it any wonder that words came first? Words are incredibly powerful – able to create and destroy, harm and heal. Be a healer. Take the time to look for good in others and point it out. Sprinkle words of encouragement wherever you can. Your overworked colleagues will truly appreciate the bright spot you’ll add to their day.

3.  Be helpful. I’ll never forget being a 4-year-old little girl and watching my grandma struggle once to get the house key in the door. She was balancing a bagful of groceries in one arm, a swinging purse on the other arm and propping the screen door open with her backside. “Child,” she finally paused, then looked at me in exasperation, “Be of some help. Don’t you see I’m having trouble?” Embarrassed at being called out of my oblivious world of play, I immediately jumped into action and grabbed the bag of groceries. Much the same way, when we see colleagues struggling with projects, an offer to help, where practical, can be an answer before the prayer.

4.  Share information. Contemporary experts agree, the wisdom from the old business texts on how to get and keep power by hoarding knowledge is not only outdated, it’s detrimental. Technology is changing so rapidly no one person can assimilate all the knowledge from its various sources. It takes a team divided into specialized roles to tackle the onslaught and share their expertise with the group. Whoever heard of a basketball team having a star player like Kobe Bryant, but only the coach knew he existed or got to see him play. That’s basically what happens in highly fragmented teams where no one really knows what anyone else does or can do except their bosses. Everyone should benefit the the star talent of a team.

Five other ways to build trust include:

5.  Praise others

6.  Help individuals find opportunities to advance or improve

7.  Ask how people are doing and wait for the reply

8.  Deal straight with people

9.  Embrace cooperative competition

I’m sure you can use your own experience and imagination to come up with examples of how and why these last behaviors are important bond builders. Just remember Homer’s words,

“Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great.”

Isn’t that what we really want from ourselves and others in the workplace?

The action behind the answer it the tough part. So, here are 10 tips on how to renew your mind, energy and focus everyday so you can accomplish your most important tasks while remaining sane. Do the following daily:

1. Make a list or mind map* – Get the work out of your head and onto paper where you can see how much you’re dealing with. Ideally, the list should cover your entire day – start to finish. Give yourself 15 minutes or so to make the list, sometime before you start work. Trying to plan your day after it has begun is stressful. You can become anxious and feel guilty that planning time is subtracting from your working time. That’s usually when you’ll be tempted to skip planning, so do the planning first.
2. Prioritize –  Give a rank of importance to each task. Though it may break your heart, accept that you may not be able to do everything on your list today. Focus on your top 3 most important tasks. Give the most important task a rank of 1.
3. Give yourself a break – Delegate*. I personally know how hard this is, but if someone else can do it faster and cheaper – let them. Free up your higher level skills for more important goals only you can achieve. Ask your boss to reassign or help you re-prioritize conflicting projects or objectives. Take care to position the request so your boss understands you are not a lazy complainer, you simply want to ensure the boss looks good. Missed deadlines makes everyone look bad, so get ahead of the problem.
4. Eliminate excessive worrying – Analysis paralysis costs time and money. Even the best plans don’t totally eliminate all risk of failure and disappointment. So, do the best you can with the resources and information you have. And feel good about it! Refuse to be handicapped by perfectionism. A portfolio of good projects completed looks better on your performance review than a single excellent project still in progress.
5. Schedule your work – The single most critical factor in time management is scheduling. But, scheduling is the effort that exhausts us the most. However, by estimating the amount of time each listed task requires we become necessarily albeit painfully aware that something’s got to give; we are overscheduled. When we finally embrace the reality of our time as limited – we make tough choices more quickly. Then, we can brutally nix schedule busters that don’t result in any long-term benefits or that don’t further our professional goals. Resist the temptation to dive right into the work – assess and schedule each day’s priorities. For large or ongoing projects, you’ll find it especially helpful to schedule daily tasks for the full week. A simple sheet of paper with 7 columns drawn on it will do. You can even use your cell phone/pda or planner. Another piece of advice I picked up in the book The Now Habit and must agree with: devote no more than 4 hours per day on any project. This limit should keep you from dreading the work because you know it definitely will end at some point that day.
6. Use the schedule – Fight the temptation to wing it. You’ve made the schedule, now honor your wisdom and read it before the start of each day. If something must interrupt your schedule, be flexible but get back on focus ASAP.
7. Declutter your mind – When you have several piles of work talking to you at the same time – put everything away except the task you are working on. I like to binder clip a brightly colored Project Continuance Sheet – PCS sheet* – to the top of each project pile, then put the pile in my inbox so I can find it later. The PCS helps me mentally “let go” of the other projects until I’m ready for them. I don’t fear I’ll forget any important ideas or details, because they are all documented on the PCS.
8. Do one item at a time – I once read a quote, “The  best way to accomplish many things is to do one thing at a time.” Though I hate to admit it, I am more productive when I’m not stretched thin doing a little bit of work on a ton of projects. By keeping a portion of your day free during scheduling, you’ll naturally have time to work on additional projects, like your priority 2 & 3 tasks – one at a time of course, in shifts.
9. Practice 1-Hour Power – The book Power of an Hour is right on target when it suggests we can give a “marathon effort packed into a sprint.” No matter how unmotivated you feel about diving into your priority task. You can make greater progress working an hour at a time. Break up the hour block. At the scheduled time, wholly devote a solid 45 minutes of fearsome focus – working on it like a maniac. Then reward yourself with 15 minutes of “whatever” time. Whatever time might include relaxing, snacking or making phone calls to business contacts or friends. It may even include chipping away little by little at one of your lesser priority tasks that gives you pleasure.
10. Bridge Knowledge Gaps – Some stress in the workplace is due to the constantly growing list of new need-to-knows. Develop a system where you can easily and quickly note any problems you were unable to solve because you didn’t know how. You can copy-paste comments and notes into emails that you send to yourself or scribble key words on sticky notes you keep in a designated pile. Be sure to set aside small amounts of time at the end of every day or an hour a week to go through your questions and get clear on how stuff works. Schedule time to meet with relevant Subject Matter Experts if you still have questions.  Skim email -headings and content – as well as important memos. It’s important to keep track of new developments that will impact how you do your job.

At the end of the day, your day must end. You can only do as much as time permits. Hopefully, these tips will help you give your best in a way that helps you feel at your best.

*Visit AOWEE Resource Center for free downloadable resources and ideas to help you manage your career.

How, then, do we turn around our own cycles of overpromise and underdeliver at work and in business? The mantra of movement seems to be move fast and, “Shoot for the moon; if you miss you’ll be among the stars.” This common quote implies that the character of striving for greatness is admirable even if we ultimately miss the mark our first try. And most highly successful businesses and reasonable consumers agree.

Why? Because deep down, it’s understood that no one sets out to deliver a mediocre product or miss deadlines. So, rather than drop out of the race, otherwise successful businesses with failed product launches or faulty business practices make changes for the better and it often launches them to a new level in the marketplace.  You can also do the following to reshape a negative into a positive and salvage or strengthen your business relationships.

1. Immediately acknowledge and address the problem to meet the human needs involved.
2. Assess the situation to determine the point(s) of failure.
3. Change your process as expediently as you can.
4. Forge ahead – where fiscally prudent (Particularly, if quitting will cause more losses than walking wounded. Keep walking and fix things as you go).
5. Commit to better planning and execution practices in the future  - learn from the past.
6. Celebrate and communicate the positives gained from the situation. Whether it be better processes, better products, stronger skills or stronger business relationships; something good almost always comes from something bad. This is your opportunity to manage the perceptions to make positive outshine the negative.

The above efforts not only help with damage control and perception management, but they allow business and industry to keep the wheels of technological progress moving – unconstrained by the analysis paralysis that would keep a product from the public until it’s absolutely perfect. And believe it or not, our society benefits.

Do be careful not to go overboard in your boasting, but if you have a vision to change the department you work in or to create an awesome product or service – go ahead, do your homework, make your plans and then hype it. Taking bold, calculated risks is what visionary leaders do. Just be prepared to work like a maniac to bring it to pass. But if you miss and still don’t give up … we’ll know where to look for you.

The young woman paused, looked back at my hairdresser, then walked away.

Once out of earshot, the hairdresser said to me in low tones, “You see that?”

“What?”

“How she looked at me when I told her to ‘let me know’ if she needed anything.”

“No.” I replied straining to recall. I had not really focused on the encounter.

“She looked at me (puzzled) like, what would I need your help for?” The beautician sighed as she continued, “These kids nowadays, think they know everything.” As the mother of two young men in their late teens to early 20′s – around the same age as the worker – she was speaking from experience. She had apparently seen that look before.

But why shouldn’t Generation Y and younger think they know it all? The media and easy access to information in our technology-based society feeds young individuals an almost supernatural sense of self – as if they are little gods. Some may believe, “I am only a mouse-click or key press away from being omniscient – all knowing and omnipresent – everywhere at once. I expect I can make my own way in work and life without much help.”

The challenge comes when young adults truly need guidance in setting career goals and managing relationships in the world of work. They may not seek it out or they may obtain it from those who are least skilled, at providing intelligent, objective, structured support. Where are the jobs? How do you get a job? What’s appropriate behavior on the job? Too often those questions will be answered from the individual’s own limited personal insights and beliefs or the limited insights and beliefs of peers, the media or networks on the internet.

Still, we who have been on this planet a few more years than our junior generation must reach out to them and offer our support. They don’t know just how much they really do need it.

Less than 30 minutes after disappearing from my hair stylist’s door, the young temporary worker returned holding up picture of a trendy African-American hairstyle in a magazine. “Someone just walked-in (without an appointment or stylist preference),” She explained. “They want this hairstyle. Do you know who I should sent her to?”

“Send her to Denise,” My hairdresser said without the slightest bit of attitude in her tone as she motioned in the direction of a fellow stylist who specializes in precision haircuts.

“See.” She whispered to me. “I knew she would need help. I don’t know why these young kids have such a problem asking for help.”

I don’t know why either. My stylist has been around awhile. She is frequently the person the regular office manager approaches to direct walk-in traffic when the choice is unclear. So my stylist knew what the young worker would need, even if the worker didn’t. Many of us have also been around awhile in our chosen fields of work. And we need to make ourselves as available for helping.

And if you are a young adult reading this entry, the answer to “Why ask why? … is to find out what you don’t know that you really don’t know yet, so you can get to where you want to go but haven’t made it yet.

A trick I’ve found that helps me rebound is to write or re-read a list entitled, “Encouraging Reminders of Why I am So Great.” The bullets are observations by myself or others about me. Some of my entries include:

• I do nice things for people just to get them to smile
• I am very intelligent
• I take a genuine interest in the needs of others
• I never stop learning
• I share what I know
• I am a great teacher
• I take pride in my work
• I encourage people when they are down
• I believe in second chances
• I honor the good in people
• I walk in when others walk out
• I am loyal
• I am strong
• I am resilient

We would all love to be perceived as professionals who are exceptional at what we do – all the time. But the reality is most of us are ramping up to that level. At times we may bite off more than we can chew, drop a ball or otherwise miss the mark. The goal of “The Greatness List” exercise is to re-build your self-confidence. This is key to finding the strength to pick yourself up after a failure, so you can go on.

“The Greatness List” works – even better when read aloud – because it helps you overcome the shame-induced paralysis caused by what people are saying or what you think people are saying about your mistake.

Everyone has value to contribute to this world. Take some time to rediscover yours. Make your own “Greatness List.”